I just want to go home, she thought.

What was home? Her parents’ basement?

Take a tour of our 500 sqft 1 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment! Our location offers many amenities. Enjoy refreshing cold water from our sink! Or even try gazing thoughtfully out of our lovely egress window, located idyllically next to the corner with the spiderweb in it.

Features Include:

• Microwave
• Toaster oven (UNSAFE), perfect for warming up Pillsbury cinnamon rolls (DON’T)
• Sink
• Access to washer/dryer that you will never ever ever ever ever ever ever use because the noises scare you so much
• Cigarette smell seeped so deeply into the paint and carpet and wood that it is a part of the room, not merely an affliction but a deep and lasting disorder
• The screaming face of God

The location smack dab next to a main road is perfect for hearing train noises at 2 PM, 8 PM, 2 AM, and 8 AM. You will never not hear the haunting sounds of emergency vehicles, their sirens warbling like birds warped by the passage of time. One day, walking home, you’ll swear you had seen a raccoon. The next morning, it will be dead on the sidewalk, pulverized beyond recognition.

Unique Features:

• 24-hour Miasma
• Bicycle Storage Unavailable
• Black Mold
• Golf Simulator
• Leaking Ceiling
• Low Ceiling
• Low Ceilings
• Broken Overhead Light So You Have To Get A Replacement Lamp Which Will Never Be As Bright
• Pets Not Permitted
• Shrew Hole
• Smoke-Freely Building
• Walk In Closet
• Walk Out Closet

Community Amenities:

• Living Room You Are No Longer Welcome In
• Kitchen You Are Taking Up Space In
• TV Room You Cannot Use
• Pool (Not Yours)
• Close Access to Dog Park
• Close Access to Tennis Court
• Business Center (Computer Room) (Not Yours)

Pet Policies:

• Dogs Not Allowed
• Cats Not Allowed
• 1 Spider Allowed
• Black Mold Allowed ($20 Monthly Pet Rent $400 Pet Deposit)